


my heart is like wow, so my brain is like BZZZT

by the_impardis



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Rich just needs a hug and his squip to gtfo, Self-Hatred, his squip is ewan mcgregor btw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-24
Updated: 2017-05-24
Packaged: 2018-11-04 07:45:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10986534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_impardis/pseuds/the_impardis
Summary: A series of scenes from Rich throughout the events of Be More Chill and afterwards.





	my heart is like wow, so my brain is like BZZZT

**Author's Note:**

> me: i just,,, i love rich goranski so much  
> also me: make him Suffer
> 
> there are moments of homophobia, so if that's uncomfortable for you, just skip everything dustin says. you're not missing much i promise

It was finally Friday. Thank fucking god for small mercies. Last day of school then Rich could take a couple of days off and just decompress. Actually think about stuff that didn’t revolve around his social clique. From beside him, Ewan McGregor noted that if Rich spent less time worrying about his life outside his social group, he would have more of a life within his social group. Rich nodded absently, still waking up, before a slight buzz alerted him to the fact he was nodding at thin air. He stopped. He didn’t want people thinking he was crazy talking to himself.

As he navigated the school halls, a mousy boy (Heere, Jeremy his SQUIP provided) nearly ran into him. As the boy stuttered out apologies, Rich moved on autopilot to write on his backpack. Hands moving at their own volition, he saw the word ‘BOYF’ appear. Rich said something threatening to the guy, but when a rebuttal was formed he turned his attention away.

Jake was just down the hall, and without a thought Rich launched into a conversation with him.

“Yo Jakey D! What’s the story with Madeline?”

Finally feeling like he was properly waking up, Rich focussed on his taller friend’s face. Jake’s wide smile conjured up a smile to Rich’s face instinctively. From beside him, Ewan muttered a warning about keeping it in his pants.

“Aw man, I shouldn’t say,” Jake said. A beat passed. “But it’s a good thing I rock at pool.”

Rich laughed easily at that. His SQUIP materialised beside him. “Proper social norms indicate that a higher level of camaraderie may be achieved through the shared objectification of Jake’s most recent conquest.” Rich ignored the lump in his throat. He was getting good at it.

“So, spill the deets, man! Was she any good?”

Jake shrugged easily. “Totally hot, bro. And she’s French, so the sounds she made were killer.”

“Nice,” Rich said approvingly. “Exotic chicks always fuck better.”

“Bouchard, Madeline,” Ewan intoned from beside Jake. “Originally from Montreal, Canada, not France. Her family believes that she spent the previous night at a sleepover with Stephanie and Katrina.”

“Yeah, man,” Jake agreed. “I gotta head to class, meet back up at lunch and we can talk more.”

“Okay,” Rich said as Jake disappeared into the throng of the hallway. His heart clenched as he watch Jake leave until a zap jolted him back to his head.

“Homosexual tendencies are not cool. Disregard or quash them immediately.” His SQUIP was staring pointedly at the table where Jeremy Heere and his friend were commiserating their matching backpacks.

With that, Rich was ushered into a classroom where he spent the majority of the time irritating the guy sitting in front of him. It didn’t matter. His SQUIP knew everything the teacher was telling them anyway. He just wanted to go home.

The rest of the day passed in a blur of people laughing at something Rich said and sitting next to Jake and trying to act in a way that wouldn’t seem gay.

He even tagged along to the play rehearsal thing with Jake because the SQUIP said that his less than hetero reactions to Jake in the morning would create a rift in their friendship if not rectified. The whole thing felt like moot point however until the practice finally ended and Jake stayed back to talk to a small Asian girl. Rich distantly recognised her from his English class, but didn’t pay that much attention. His SQUIP was strangely silent throughout the rehearsal and seemed preoccupied with the guy sitting next to Asian-girl. (“Canigula, Christine,” Ewan said).

Almost as soon as the Hot Pocket guy released them, Rich made his way to the bathroom, hoping to just control his breathing, or at least punch a mirror if that didn’t work. His brain was starting to hurt from spending all his time around Jake and Chloe and he didn’t know what to feel.

Almost as soon as his subconscious suggested a good cry, his SQUIP shocked him and told him in no abstract terms that crying was not cool and he couldn’t do it.

“If you really have to express emotions externally, get angry,” Ewan advised. “Anything else is considered emasculating and therefore is not viable.”

Rich felt like he was almost vibrating down to the tips of his fingers, like he could feel his heartbeat in them as he shoved the bathroom door open to reveal Jeremy at the basin, scrubbing his backpack.

Before Rich could even register what he was doing, he was yelling at him. “I told you not to wash that off!”

Halfway through a response, Rich interrupted him again. “I’m talkin’ to you, tall-ass! You’re so pathetic, sneaking off to a stall to get away from me.”

He punched a wall, hard. His SQUIP immediately blocked the pain receptors, but Rich could tell that was going to be a problem in a couple of days.

“Stalls are for girls! Are you a girl, Jeremy?”

“H- How can you talk to people while you’re,” Jeremy gestured to the urinals. “Y’know?”

“Confidence.”

From beside him, Ewan suddenly stood up straighter, causing Rich to unconsciously do the same.

“He could use a SQUIP,” he mused. “And if you sold it to him, you’d obviously get a cut. Be able to buy something cool. You should offer it. Convince him.”

Rich nodded shakily. Jeremy looked like he was terrified.

“I just remembered, I don’t have to pee after all—”

“Don’t move.” Rich took a breath and turned to face Jeremy. “You don’t remember me freshman year, do you?”

“You didn’t go here freshma—”

Rich pounded the wall again. Even with his pain receptors nullified he could feel the pressure it caused. Probably a hairline fracture, his SQUIP said.

“Yes I did! You just didn’t notice! Nobody did.” He determinedly stayed angry for the last sentence, instead of sounding sad. Pathetic, his SQUIP replaced.

Using some words that were his own, and some that weren’t, Rich outlined what a SQUIP was to Jeremy, who to his credit, actually seemed like he thought it was viable.

“So, how much does it cost?” he asked.

“Six hundred bucks,” Rich replied immediately. $400 for the SQUIP and $200 to splurge on junk food with, Ewan said. Or regular food, if your dad’s too wasted to go grocery shopping again.

Around Jeremy’s stammerings, Rich finished his pitch. “You need a SQUIP, man. It’ll change your life.”

With that, Rich left the bathroom again, Ewan in his ear whispering that he’d done a really good job and should be proud of himself. He’d started the day poorly in his interactions with Jake, but redeemed himself with Jeremy.

That night Rich slept more easily than he had in a long time. His hand only ached when he tried to move it.

 

*****

The next morning sucked. When Rich looked down at his hand, it had doubled in size and gone an impressive violet. Almost as soon as it had registered, his SQUIP sent him back to sleep.

The next time he woke up it was 3 in the afternoon and his hand was covered by an icepack, but he still couldn’t feel it.

“Don’t worry about it,” Ewan said from his desk chair. “You should be back to optimal performance by school on Monday if you do as I say.”

Rich nodded dumbly.

“Now, check your phone. You organised to spend the day playing video games with Jake. You’ll be lucky if he didn’t think you blew him off.”

Fumbling around his duvet, Rich pulled his mobile from it to see no new texts from Jake. One-handed, he typed out “yo bro, we still on for xbox and junk food 2nite?”

A few minutes passed before the three dots showed up from Jake typing. When his phone finally ‘dinged’ in response, Rich could feel his stomach complaining about the lack of food and his neck complaining about sleeping crooked. His SQUIP didn’t do anything to help him.

“sorry dude i totally forgot about that,” Jake had responded. “i’m actually out with christine at the mall atm. she’s pretty cute.”

Rich felt his throat clench again. It was doing that a lot around Jake recently.

A second text rung through. “you can join too tho if u want???”

Ewan plucked the phone from Rich’s hand and snorted dismissively. “You don’t want to third wheel. Just respond saying you’ll reschedule. And wish him luck. Males always feel exonerated going after a sexual partner if their friends approve of the union.”

Rich typed back slowly. He was mostly blaming his hand for having trouble responding to such a simple text. “it’s cool bro. next time. knock her dead ;)”

As soon as the message sent, Rich felt bile in his throat.

God he was such a loser. ‘Knock her dead?’ Who the fuck said shit like that these days? Jake was probably only hanging out with him out of pity or some skewed idea of who Rich was, because talking like that was not cool and he didn’t deserve to interact with Jake like that.

“Probably,” his SQUIP said lightly. “Without me you are an utter loser. But we can fix this on Monday. Any response before then would be unwise, as the security footage of the mall suggests they are quite ensconced with each other.”

Rich sniffled slightly. His hand was starting to hurt again.

“Sleep now,” said Ewan, and Rich collapsed back onto his pillow, already out by the time his head collided with the mattress.

 

*****

Everyone was amping up for Jake’s Halloween party. It was an open secret that his parents were shady so the house could basically get trashed with no repercussions. Rich’s costume was kind of last minute (“Putting effort into your costume shows you care too much. Girls put effort in. You don’t”) so he ended up just stealing the Jason mask from his brother’s floor and shucking a hoodie over his shirt to call it a costume.

The loaf of bread was honestly just so he could hold something and in case anyone got stoned and needed cheap food.

Before he had even rapped on the door twice, Jake had thrown it open with a colossal smile. It was the kind of smile that made you want to smile back. Rich didn’t though. He wasn’t gay. Jake was wearing some purple suit and had fucking eyeliner on.

“I’m Prince, dude!” he said, clearly sensing Rich’s confusion. “Purple Rain and all that.”

“Right,” said Rich. He felt like such an idiot just standing there. “You look cool, man.”

Ewan shocked him warningly.

“N-no homo, though. Is the drinks table open yet?”

He barged through the door, dropping the bread on a nearby end table. Jake trailed after him, seemingly happy to just follow Rich to the table.

“Yeah bro. Only beer and mixers so far though. We’re bringing out the hardcore stuff later.”

Rich nodded absentmindedly, taking a sip from his red solo cup. Jake clapped him on the back, causing the mask to jostle where it was positioned on his head.

It hurt. Not that Jake had slapped his back, but that it was the first piece of physical contact he’d had in a while.

As soon as that thought made itself present, Rich tensed and braced himself for the jolt from his SQUIP for thinking something gay. 

It didn’t come.

Rich took another mouthful of beer thoughtfully and Ewan span to life beside him.

“Oyasuminasai, kisama,” he said before disappearing again.

Rich just stood there, clutching his cup.

He didn’t have any electricity running down his spine in a constant loop. But also, his arm really fucking hurt where he’d hit it the day before.

The SQUIP wasn’t on.

Holy shit.

The next hour or so of the party passed in a dreamlike state. Rich danced around a bit and said hi to some people, but he didn’t feel like he was really there.

He was still holding onto his first cup of beer, which meant that while everyone else was getting close to the vomiting stage of drunkenness, he was just slightly fuzzy.

The dance floor parted around Rich as he flailed, first in time with the beat of the song, but then more erratically as he got more lost in his thoughts. He didn’t have someone there to help him for the first time in like 3 years. And this was the biggest party of the season. If he fucked up here, he’d be nobody the next school day.

But he was him. Which was kinda nice? But also really not.

The song had petered out but Rich didn’t notice until Jake carefully put a hand on his shoulder, causing him to whirl around.

“Wanna calm down, dude? A couple of us are just gonna talk, play some dumb party games, you down?”

Rich nodded mutely. He didn’t know what to say or whether saying anything would be the worst possible thing to do. He took another mouthful of beer and followed Jake to where a few people were sitting cross-legged together.

He recognised Brooke, Dustin, Jenna and Christine, plus there were a couple of other people that he knew from school but didn’t really know. He ended up squished between Jake and Dustin, mostly because of a petty desire to be as far away from Christine as possible. She looked adorable in her princess costume, until Rich dully realised that she and Jake were probably coordinating their outfits. Another sip of beer.

Jenna was finishing her fancy spritzer and saying something that Rich wasn’t paying attention to until Dustin chuckled beside him, elbowing him.

“Dude, if we see some girl on girl action this’ll be the best party ever.”

Rich just nodded, finally realising what was happening when Jenna took her bottle and spun it around in the middle of the circle. it spun around lazily until it stopped so the neck was pointing at someone Rich didn’t recognise. Jenna leaned over toward him and kissed him for a few seconds before the two broke apart.

“Your turn, Brooke,” she said, licking her lips.

Brooke cautiously took the bottle and spun it until it landed on Dustin.

With a hoot, he pulled Brooke towards him and mashed his face against hers. Just quietly, Rich thought she didn’t look like she was really enjoying it.

This kiss went on for longer, and when the two finally separated, Brooke’s lipstick was smeared all over the bottom half of Dustin’s face.

He wiped with mouth with the back of his hand. “Your shot, Goranski. Spin big.”

Without any real effort, Rich pulled the bottle toward him and spun it. It seemed like it spun for ages, but really it was probably only a few seconds. The neck rolled around for a moment between someone Rich didn’t know and someone he really didn’t want the bottle to pick before it came to a stop.

Facing Jake.

Jake had the decency to blush slightly while Rich just sat there blankly. Jenna got her phone out and angled it obviously towards Rich.

“Sorry man, I just—” Rich cut himself off. What was there to say?

Jake just smiled beatifically. “It’s cool bro. Now come kiss me.”

Rich leaned over carefully and pushed his lips against Jake’s. They were soft, and probably a lot less chapped than Rich’s from chewing them through the night. He felt his eyes flutter shut before a voice that sounded vaguely Scottish started yelling “GAY, GAY, GAY” in his head and he pulled back.

Jake must’ve closed his eyes too, because as Rich pulled back he saw them open. Were his eyes always such a brilliant blue? He couldn’t remember looking this close at them before.

“PUSSIES,” Dustin yelled, which felt unnecessary to Rich since he was sitting right next to him. “That was a peck not a kiss. You gotta do it properly.”

He gave Rich a hearty push on the back so Rich almost fell into Jake’s lap. Jake pulled him up slowly then just rested a hand over Rich’s collar. “You okay, dude?” he asked.

Rich swallowed and took a breath. “Yeah.”

This time, Rich shut his eyes before he leaned into the kiss, placing his arm that wasn’t holding his cup around Jake’s neck and pulling himself closer. He could feel the tips of Jake’s hair tickle his eyelids.

After a brief moment, Jake opened his mouth slightly and Rich dissolved. Jake’s hand that was over his collarbone moved to the back of his neck and pulled Rich even closer. Rich let out a garbled whine that he would blame on the alcohol until his dying day as he sucked Jake’s bottom lip into his mouth.

A moment later, the kiss broke and the two boys breathed heavily into the small space between their lips. Rich opened his eyes slightly and rested his forehead on Jake’s. His lips looked cherry red in the poor lighting of the room. I did that, Rich thought dazedly. I just kissed Jake fucking Dillinger.

“Are you two fucking homos or something?” Dustin said from behind Rich.

Immediately, Rich’s stomach soured and he yanked himself away from Jake. He determinedly did not notice the hurt in his best friend’s eyes as he did.

“Fuck no, bro,” Rich managed. “Just make sure you hold the ladies to that level of making out.” With that, he fled the circle, leaving his beer and Jake behind. Christine was cautiously reaching for the bottle as he left.

Rich was pacing the house manically for the rest of the night. He’d almost ran into Jeremy as he looked like he was escaping the bedroom that no-one was allowed in, and Christine later when she’d tried to start a conversation with him. He’d ran away from her.

There was so much going on in his head that he couldn’t quite deal with, and the SQUIP wasn’t there to help, but it also wasn’t there telling him that he was a colossal fuck-up and he was starting to feel like he was having trouble breathing and he hadn’t had a panic attack since fucking freshman year but here it was again but someone had already barricaded themselves in the bathroom so he couldn’t go there and he was just stuck. A few hours before the party ended Rich could feel all the nervous energy in him bubbling to the point that it was almost painful. He needed to get rid of the SQUIP and work some things out.

“Does anybody have any Mountain Dew Red?” he’d starting asking around the party. Everyone seemed like they were pretty out of it and the lounge area was starting to smell like pot.

“It looks like normal Mountain Dew? But it’s red?” He could feel the buzzing of his SQUIP finally beating the alcohol in his system. He didn’t want to go back. He had to act fast.

“Seriously, where THE FUCK can I get some Mountain Dew Red?”

No-one was talking to him. He’d probably tanked his entire reputation in one night. Crazy dance moves, a same-sex kiss and now he was acting like an addict who couldn’t get their fix. Maybe he should just cut his losses and make sure the SQUIP stopped yelling at him.

What could be worse than how he was feeling right now?

With that thought, Rich pushed past where Christine and Jeremy were giggling over something or other and headed towards Jake’s garage. He knew there were some methylated spirits in there that he could use. And Jake had a lighter in the cupboard above his fridge.

 

*****

Everything. Fucking. Hurt.

And he couldn’t move.

If this was the afterlife it was fucking bullshit.

After a moment of adjusting his eyesight, Rich confirmed that he was not dead. He seemed to be in a hospital if the obnoxious white colouring and beeping surrounding him was anything to go by.

“Hey,” came a voice from the chair next to Rich’s bed. He couldn’t move to see who it was, but they sounded familiar.

He could hear as the person got out of their seat and moved to the end of the bed so he could see them.

“Did you really think that killing yourself was the best way to get rid of me?” Ewan asked. Rich nearly vomited.

“I mean,” the SQUIP chuckled. “Don’t get me wrong, it would have been a lot easier for everyone else if you had died, I mean, with that whole gay fiasco with Jake at Spin the Bottle he’d probably host a party if you died, but it seemed a bit… dramatic.”

Rich screwed his eyes shut. Surely the SQUIP wouldn’t shock him now. He was in hospital, they would probably notice that- right?

“Don’t worry. I’m not here to hurt you, I’m here to help you.” The SQUIP spoke quietly, like it was talking to a spooked sheep or something. “Without me, there’s no telling what kind of fuck-up you’d turn out to be, probably like your father if you didn’t take my advice.”

Rich felt his whole body tense at the mention of his father. Had he visited the hospital while Rich was asleep?

“But it’s okay now, because I’m here to fix it all up,” Ewan soothed. “Now, to start we’ll need to—” The SQUIP’s eyes went blank for a moment before he shook himself back to Rich.

“That Jeremy Heere is trying something very foolish and I—” The SQUIP froze in place, like it was lagging or something. After a moment, all its limbs went taut, then slack and it collapsed to the ground.

Rich couldn’t move his head, but he heard murmurs and a noise that sounded suspiciously like the AOL dial-up screech before-

Silence.

Only the beeping of the heart monitor next to his bed could be heard until a stampede of nurses herded into the room to check on Rich’s vitals. The SQUIP seemed to be gone.

 

*****

Over the next few days, Rich was able to move his neck and speak to a couple of the nurses. And he got a hospital roommate: Jeremy Heere. For the first two days of his visit, Jeremy was lousy company, what with being unconscious, but it still felt better than being alone.

It had been years since Rich had been completely alone. He still didn’t like it.

When Jeremy woke up he told Rich about the school play, and Christine drinking the Mountain Dew Red, and how a SQUIP had made Jake stand on his broken legs (Broken legs? Rich had asked. Yeah, Jeremy replied. He broke them when he jumped out of his house when it was on fire. Rich had vomited when he heard that). But the SQUIP’s seemed inactive now. Whenever Michael came along he made Jeremy and Rich both drink a glass of Mountain Dew Red just in case. Jeremy bore it with more grace than Rich did.

He didn’t have a best friend to give him soft drink anymore.

Jeremy was discharged from hospital way before Rich, but he still made an effort to come visit him. It was like having a new friend that he’d gotten without the SQUIP’s help. It was uncharted territory.

It was kinda nice.

A few weeks after school had ended for winter break, Rich was finally deemed fit to leave the hospital, so he limped out the main entrance and towards his uber to go home.

He didn’t do anything when he got there.

Lying on his bed was nice, but he swore he could still smell smoke in his hair when he did. Playing Xbox reminded him of the SQUIP. His kitchen was off limits in case his dad tried to talk to him. He was just there.

In a moment of weakness he’d texted Jeremy saying that his house sucked, so really it was his own fault that he’d gotten a text from Michael not 5 minutes later inviting him over to eat junk food and gossip over video games and/or weed.

It wasn’t like he had anything better to do.

 

*****

The weekly video game tournaments had developed from Jeremy, Michael and Rich to include Christine, then Brooke, who brought along Chloe, who was followed by Jenna (why was she invited? She kinda wasn’t but we’re scared to ask her to leave) and then finally Jake.

Rich forgot how to breathe and been destroyed in Super Smash Bros the first time Jake had entered the room. His legs were out of their casts, but he was still hobbling slightly on his crutches. Almost as soon as he’d collapsed onto a beanbag, Michael and Jeremy had shared a glance and pulled Brooke and Chloe out of the room. Christine followed their suit and dragged Jenna out with them. Jeremy and Michael having some crazy twin telepathy Rich could understand, but Christine? This felt like a setup.

A few moments passed in tense silence.

“Sorry about your burns, bro,” Jake finally got out.

Rich let out a dry laugh that sounded more like a cough. “Sorry about your house and legs.”

Jake shrugged like it wasn’t a big deal. “It’s not a big deal. Never liked that house anyway.”

It was absolutely a big deal. Jake was probably just lying to him in case he went psycho again and tried to hurt him.

“So, umm,” Jake said after Rich made obvious he wasn’t going to expand on the previous topic. “This is gonna be so awkward, man and I’m sorry.”

There it is, Rich glumly thought to himself. He’s realised that I’m an utter loser and he’s leaving me.

“I heard about the squid thing and I just wanted to say I’m sorry.”

Record scratch. “What?” Rich choked out. This was not what he had been expecting.

“You’re my best friend, and I didn’t notice all those times you were in pain. I should have, but I didn’t.”

Jake looked like he was on the verge of tears.

“No, that- that’s not your fault, Jake,” Rich said. “You’re the best. I was just there. You can’t be expected to pay attention to all the shit I’m doing.”

“Yes I am!” Jake said. “You’re my best friend I’m totally meant to do that!”

“I’m not your best friend,” said Rich.

Jake opened his mouth, then shut it again.

“The SQUIP was your best friend. I was just the person it was in. Nothing you like about me is actually me. It was all stuff that the SQUIP told me to do and be. I’m nothing.”

Jake pulled himself off his beanbag and shuffled toward Rich until their sides were pressed together.

“Dude are you fucking kidding me?”

Rich determinedly did not look at Jake cause then he would definitely start crying and only losers cried at stuff like this.

“You are my best friend. I don’t give a shit what the SQUIP said or did, I care about you. Rich you’re—” Jake stopped and turned so Rich was looking at him. “You’re the most important person in my life. My parents never gave a crap about me but you did. I refuse to believe that was all a computer.”

Rich felt the tears on his cheeks rather than the action of crying. “Jake, I—” Rich cleared his throat and rubbed a hand across his eyes. “I can’t be your best friend anymore. I want to be, God knows I want to be but I can’t.”

Jake was crying silently too.

There was no way he could make this worse or any more awkward so Rich decided to just barrel through it and get it out in the open. “I, I like guys as well as girls. And for the longest time I’ve been pushing that down because being gay isn’t cool or manly so I couldn’t feel it, but since the SQUIP left it’s been all I could think about. Like three years of liking guys has all come crashing down on me in one week and I—”

Rich steeled himself. This was going to be what drove Jake away. “I’m pretty sure I’m fucking in love with you, dude. Have been for years. And it was only when I was drunk and the SQUIP turned off at the Halloween party that I really realised how much liked you and when I kissed you it felt—”

Rich sniffled loudly, forcing himself not to look at Jake. He needed to get this out and he couldn’t do that if Jake was disgusted with him. “It felt safe. I haven’t felt safe for fucking years. But you feel safe for me, dude. And I can’t lie about that anymore. I’m sorry.”

The two sat in silence for a moment. Jake didn’t attempt to move away from Rich. Probably because he was recovering from two broken legs, he thought bitterly.

“Rich,” Jake’s voice was rougher than Rich had ever heard it. “at the Halloween party, you weren’t under SQUIP control?”

Rich shook his head. He was spilling tear drops onto Michael’s beanbags.

“So when you kissed me,” Jake stopped and cleared his throat. “That was just you?”

He probably thought Rich was disgusting. Rich nodded.

“You wanted to kiss me but a computer told you you couldn’t?”

There was an edge to Jake’s voice when he said that.

“Yeah,” Rich said.

“So if I kissed you now, you wouldn’t have a computer punish you for that?”

Rich froze. He jerkily shook his head and turned to look at Jake. His eyelashes were clumped together from tears, but he was looking intently back at Rich.

“Could I kiss you now? Because I want to and I think I’ve been in love with you for God knows how long?”

This had to be a dream. He’d never dreamed in colour though. Maybe, impossibly, it was real.

In answer, Rich gently leaned into Jake’s personal space and shut his eyes before gently laying a kiss on his lips.

As soon as Rich instigated, Jake had wrapped himself around the smaller boy in a bear hug, and was kissing every inch of his face that he could reach.

“I’m so sorry you feel like this,” he whispered into Rich’s forehead.

“I want to make you happy,” was pressed against his jaw.

“God, how did I not realise that I loved you for so long?” murmured against Rich’s lips and he finally let himself kiss back.

Things finally seemed like they were going to get better.

**Author's Note:**

> the japanese the squip says translates roughly to "goodnight asshole" and i use it regularly in everyday life
> 
> again, inspiration brought by @richardgoranski on tumblr (notice me senpai~~~)


End file.
